Today I am feeling really torn…
As long as I can remember since becoming a mum, I have been looking for some way to get time to myself.. going back to work, doing a course etc… well mostly looking for a way to regain the independence I had before babies and children. I really have moaned and groaned my way through these early years of being a mum. Don’t get me wrong, we have had some fun times, lots and lots of fun times but I have also felt resentful of the huge change in my life that has happened, and I think to the detriment of my enjoyment of it.
I even got as far as a job offer but you know, the money wasn’t great I told myself. By the time I had paid childcare I would hardly take home anything and it wouldn’t make it worthwhile the early starts and change in routine. Excuses, excuses?!
Anyway, this time I have got a place on a Holistic Therapy diploma course, something I am interested in and would love to learn more about. I am told the timetable will fit in around school hours (4yo starts school in September) and that it will only be 3 days a week (so still 2 days of fun with 2yo).. At the end I will be equipped with a qualification to allow me to be a freelance holistic therapist – reflexology, swedish massage and aromatherapy.. giving me the flexibility to earn money without missing out on family time.. BUT I am now having those nagging doubts!
Do I want to miss out on precious days with my gorgeous 2yo whilst he is still so young? (No) Am I being selfish expecting him to settle into nursery easily when he has been at home with me all the time? (Yes probably) Maybe leaving it till next year would be a better idea when he would be 3 and get funded childcare spaces anyway? (Hmm maybe but the course might not be on again esp with govt cuts etc)…
We have got a nice routine of playgroups, parks, swimming, walks, meeting up with friends so why would I want to swop all that!? All of this is normal I guess, everyone has moments like this when they can only take so much and the lovely, happy times balance out the dreadful ones!
I think it is quite scary to think the “baby” days are drawing to a close and I have to find myself something new to do. But maybe not just yet we shall see!